Valentine's Day Massacre
by Shadow Commando
Summary: Link gets a mysterious letter from a secret admirer that sends him on a treasure hunt. Who is this secret admirer and what does she want?


**YOSH! My second fiction, and just in time for St. Valentine's Day, too. :D**

**Anyway, the plot of this fiction is that Link gets a letter telling him to get something and when he gets it, he finds another letter telling him to go get something else, otherwise known as a treasure hunt. Fun fun. And the first part is in Link's fridge, and it may seem a little bit weird, but feel free to skip it if you like, though I do feel I should credit that part to my brother Christian who wrote the part about the fridge o' raiders. But other than that, on with the show.**

_Link's Fridge_

_5:23 a.m._

**Thy Dark Layer**

"Too long, have we chosen Condiments, resided in the deepest, darkest place my shame can bare, resting on the forgotten shelf of the Great Fridge. But now the time has come to vanquish this dishonor brought upon my name…our name. For today, the unknown, mocked Condiments will restore their duty, their honor to the forever sacred Humans which require our assistance in rejuvenating their bodies. We have all known each other down here, these last few dark years, as dearest friends…but he who bleeds with me in my time of need…shall be my brother forever…so who's with me?"

**The Second Shelf AKA: Security Center**

A single agent of a plot about to unfold, waited cautiously. Carrying out his masters…"master plan" to rulethe galaxy!!!….er-wait no, just to rule the fridge.

This Condiment waited, going over the plan again in his mind. He remembered the words of the Great Master; "Concentrate on the moment, feel, don't think, use your instincts." "Yes, master, I wont let you down," he whispered to himself.

Suddenly, a voice broke the ever dramatic moment that was taking place. It was an egg-I mean a cop! This figure of authority over looked strange being in front of him. This egg, wearing a highly expensive pair of shades, was armed with a plastic knife.

"Can I help you?" the egg asked. "It's pasted curfew you know."

Without saying a word, the Condiment began to move towards the alert egg-cop.

"Hey, don't move!" the egg-cop commanded. But the ever large Condiment continued towards the cop.

Suddenly, the egg-cop struck the disobedient figure on the side with his plastic weapon. The two froze for a second. The knife simply bounced off the side of the Condiment, for this was no ordinary Condiment, this was a glass jar of Relish!!! Relish just smiled as he walked up and shoved the egg-cop to the floor, with a splat, as he snatched away the knife.

In the back of the second shelf, a cabbage head, named Rifiki, was jolted awake by the sound of a loud crash on the other side of the shelf. So as a cabbage, naturally being very curious creatures, decided to investigate the noise. As Rifiki made his way around a half eaten watermelon (who's name _was_ Lou'), a figure began to emerge out of the shadows into the flickering fluorescent light that dimly illuminated the back corner of the fridge. Rifiki stopped as the small, pudgy figure limped towards him. When the figure stepped into the light, Rifiki discovered it was just an egg-cop. But where was his weapon?…and why was he cracked open on one side?!!!!

As Rifiki moved closer to aid the egg, the egg just fell to the floor and with his dying breath he weezed," All of em'…h-he got all of em', c-couldn't stop him, was just…just too-', and with that, he breathed his last and died, laying there on the floor in a pool of yolk.

**The Third Layer AKA: the "Upper Class"**

In a deserted space on the floor in corner of the third shelf, a small circle quietly made form and as soon as it had made its mark, on the delicate plastic shelf, it had fallen through, forming a small hole. Then figures began to emerge from the opening in complete silence. The gang of Condiments, once completely through hole, regrouped in the small corner and took role. Ketchup was the leader who had convinced all the others that life would be better just three levels up.

"Good work Relish, you've done a fine job." Ketchup said, "I'll need Mr. Pickles to make a distraction while Relish and I make contact with the ketchup packets."

With that said, no one asked questions and began to move out.

Mr. Pickles walked up to a crowd that consisted mostly of apples and bananas and oranges and promptly announced that everybody was a hostage. The whole crowd got silent for a moment and then busted out with laughter.

"Right, and this is coming from the pickle jar," an apple chuckled.

But just then, Ketchup showed up with Relish and some new counterparts; four mini ketchup packets were joined at his side.

"This is no joke people…er…fruits, now if you all comply, I see no need to hurt anyone." Ketchup announced.

"Who do you think you're talking to, sonny?" a banana said, stepping forward, "you think you stupid condiments can come up here and boss us around?"

"Uh well, yeah actually, I do." Ketchup said. Then the banana lunged out at one of the small ketchup packets and ripped it in half! The packet hit the floor with a splat, surrounded in his own ketchup!!!!!

A mother apple near by covered the eyes of her baby, "Don't look honey, it's not real ketchup, it's just… blood"

Then, all hell broke loose and everyone fell into a brawl. The remaining packets were flipping over the oranges while Relish avenged his friend by stabbing the banana with the plastic knife. Juice squirted everywhere. The banana yelled, "I regret nothing" then fell with a thud. The fight went on a while longer before the condiments had everything under control and all the fruits were dead.

"Now, we move on to solid gold real estate…the top shelf." Ketchup said with a smile.

**The Top Shelf**

On the top shelf everything was calm. All was quiet in the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. But then Ketchup came crashing through the floor. When he got on his feet he looked around at a gigantic milk carton looking over him.

"Howdy how!" Ketchup said.

"What do you want?" the milk carton boomed. "You are not welcome here."

Then a coca cola bottle came and joined the milk carton as did a carton of OJ.

"Oh, okay," said Ketchup, but then jumped up with the plastic knife and stabbed the milk carton in the back.

Milk shot out everywhere as the carton fell forward. The coke bottle ran forward to help milk, who was a close buddy, but was also cut down by Ketchup. The carton of OJ screamed as he opened the fridge door and threw himself out. Ketchup looked around him. The shelf was now empty, he had won.

"Yes!!!!, victory is mine!!!!!" He chanted. "And that was harder than I thought.", he murmured. "From now on, I will live the highest of all fridge life forms, I will be KING!!!!!!", he screamed with joy just as Link opened up the fridge and saw a ketchup bottle sitting on the top shelf surrounded by milk and coke.

"Hmm, looks like these condiments have already expired." said Link as he put the condiments in the trash can and closed the fridge door.

Link finished his milk and went outside.

It was a beautiful day in Ordon and the sun was coming up when heard a horrible noise.

"COCKADOOODLEDOOOOO!"

"No, Ilia, I don't want to smoke pot with you." replied Link.

"AWCUMOOOOOOOON!" Whined Ilia, her horrible voice killing several birds, circling above.

"No, it's valentine's day, and I'm busy…making a valentine for someone. Said Link, who was actually making a valentine to take to the mirror chamber to place at the location where the mirror had once been, so he could remember Midna.

It was almost like leaving flowers at someone's grave, for him at least.

He could remember the first time he and Midna had even laid eyes on each other.

Of course, they had never really met. They were like two humming birds, who had also never met.

"Fine, me and Coro will get high and mayk sum red hawt luvin." said Ilia, which took care of a family of squirrels, nearby.

"PRECIOUSSSSSSSSS!" said Coro upon seeing the dead squirrels, and took them back home so they wouldn't go to waste.

"Whatever, and while you're at it, learn to spell your words right." said Link.

"U DON'T LUV M3 ANYMOR!" Shouted Ilia and ran away.

Link was about to go get Epona, when the most annoying guy in TP showed up: "HEEEEEEEY, MY JOB IS TO ANNOY YOU! MY JOB IS TO ANNOY YOU!" sang the mailman as he ran up to Link, knocking several children and an ice cream truck over in the process.

Not wanting to have another awkward greeting from the fairy of a man, Link took out his bow and fired an arrow through the man's chest and he fell backward.

Link cautiously walked up to the supposed corpse when it suddenly reanimated and said:

"Greetings, Mr. Link, I have a letter for you, 2 hundred in fact." he said, handing Link two hundred red envelopes.

"Well, my job is concluded, goodbye then." and then he died. :D

Link opened the first letter and it was 12 pages of Oocco thanking him for freeing her from that stupid jar when she could have easily climbed out of it.

Link crumpled it up and threw it away and did the same to the other 198 which were marriage proposals from fan girls, but the last one caught his attention. Apparently, it was a letter telling him to…go get the kokiri emerald?

Link scratched his head, contemplating who would want a diamond that big.

Probably a girl.

Well, I'll never find out which one, just sitting here. He thought as he put on his Magic Armor and strapped on his Master Sword and Shield and rode Epona out.

Later, he made it to the Lost woods, but no emerald.

It was then that Link noticed a pink, floating blob of light flying around a few feet above him.

At first, the fairy took no notice of him, but before too long, it got bored of floating around and zoomed down at Link who took out a flyswatter and knocked it to the ground at the last second.

Navi looked up at Link and smiled: _Do you want me to sing you a song, John?_

"NO! And my name's not John!" replied Link.

"_Do you_?" asked Navi.

"NO!" roared Link.

"_D-a-i-s-y, D-a-i-s-y, g-i-v-e m-e y-o-u-r a-n-s-w-e-r d-o_-"

But before she could finish, she was stomped to death by Link. :D

Then the Deku Tree appeared.

"Thank you for freeing me from that horrible monster. I guess it's only fair that I give you this." A green light appeared above Link, and out of it, came the Kokiri Emerald.

"Thanks," said Link grabbing it, "But did Navi really cast a spell on you?"

"No, I was just sick of hearing "HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN!" so I hid myself from her, but now you've gotten rid of her, so I can do what I want without her bothering me."

"You mean like sit around and do nothing?" asked Link.

"Egg salad!" replied the tree.

"Why did you say egg salad?" asked Link.

"Because it sounds just like _exactly_." said the Tree

"Whatever." said Link, and ran away.

Then Purgie's dog came out of nowhere and peed on the tree, killing it instantly.

Link was heading out of the Kokiri Forest when he heard a voice calling his name.

He turned around to see his long time friend Saria standing there, and stared at her.

Saria stared back.

Link stared at Saria.

Saria stared at Link.

Link stared back at Saria

Saria stared back at…well…you get the point.

Anyway, 3 hours, 40 minutes, and 12 seconds later, Saria broke the silence by handing Link another letter from the secret admirer.

Link took it and read it: _Get the Goron Ruby from Death Mountain._

"I think I have a pretty good idea where this is going." thought Link as he ran toward Hyrule Field.

As he was nearing Kakariko Village, he noticed three boars carrying Bulbins on the other side of a big gorge.

One of the boars looked up and saw Link.

"CHE-ARRRRRRGE" it shouted as it rode toward Link, and then stopped, wondering why no one was following him.

"You're out, Nick." said another Bulbin.

Nick hung his head and walked away.

The other Bulbin turned to his comrades and said "Simon says…CHAAAARRRRRRGE!" and they all charged at Link, and went straight into the giant pit in front of them (have you ever wondered why they do that outside Kakariko?).

Link stopped grooling and said "Wow, that was lucky."

"That's more than lucky." said that one guy from those European insurance commercials.

Link kicked him into the giant pit and ran toward Kakariko.

As he ran up the path to Death Mountain, he was confronted by a Goron.

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" it roared.

Unwilling to be detered that easily, Link put one hand behind his back and beckoned to the Goron with the other and said "Bring it, little man."

The Goron roared something about hot wings and beat his chest, and then rolled toward Link in his ball form.

It spoke Xbox Live on the way down. "OMG OMG OMG I GOT U TRAPPED, YOU GONNA DIE IM GONNA KILL U IM GONNA KILL U YES YES YES YES YES!"

But the Goron's plan to be the glorious killer of the Hero of Twilight failed when Link…I don't know… STEPPED OUT OF THE WAY!?!?!

The Goron went over the small cliff and rolled toward Kakariko. "OMG NO NO NO NO NO NO I HAVE YOU DAMNIT NO NO NO I HAVE YOU!" it said as it rolled away.

Link continued his ascent up the mountain, and he would have made it past the Gorons unnoticed, had it not been for the loud "_CLOP-CLOP-CLOP!"_ of the two coconut halves he used as his imaginary horse.

Two more Gorons rolled toward him, but he repeated his strategy of STEPPING OUT OF THE WAY, with the same results.

One Goron rolled into a rock while the other went over a bigass cliff.

The Goron looked down at his fallen comrade.

"He got me, Harry." said the Goron.

"Don't worry, Marve, I'll get him for you." said the other Goron.

As he turned around, his face had a lovely meeting with Mr. Bomb arrow, and was destroyed in the blast.

The only thing left was his mouth.

"Goddamnit it all!" it said, just before a hawk flew by and grabbed it.

Link put the bow and arrows back into his pocket and continued up the mountain, banging two coconut halves together.

_CLOP-CLOP-CLOP! CLOP-CLOP-CLOP! CLOP-CLOP-CLOP!_

Eventually, Link got to the top of Death Mountain and took the back entrance to the secret bat cave…oh wait, wrong fiction, he went to the Goron Mines to get the Goron Ruby.

"Where is the precious?" said Link in a raspy voice.

Link searched the mines for hours but could not find it, so he went to Darbus' room to take a break when he saw it on Darbus' dresser. "D'OH!"

Link was about to take it when Darbus saw him.

"HEY! What are you doing with my ruby?"

Link didn't want to get pubbled for stealing a rock and had to think of something, and it didn't look like the Rock Ness monster was gonna go into hibernation anytime soon, so he did the first thing he could think of.

"_This is just a dreeeeeeaaaaaaam_." said Link, waving his arms around in squiggly motions.

"What the hell are you doing?" asked Darbus.

Link went to plan B. He pulled out his ocarina and played the Minuet of Forest (the song you hear in the Lost Woods/Sacred Grove) and immediately, Darbus started break dancing.

"WHOA! STOP THIIIIISSSS!" he screamed.

Link stuck the jewel into his pocket, grabbed a cucco, and darted off the mountain side and glided down to Kakariko.

Seeing Link flee with their treasure, the Gorons chased after him, only to fall off the cliff and disappear before they even hit the ground. That's the beauty of living in the world of Zelda.

Link landed softly on top of Renado, killing him instantly. Then he saw another letter floating in the middle of the town. So he ran up and grabbed it and read it: _Go to Zora"s Domain and get the Zora's Sapphire._

"That's what I thought." said Link as he pocketed the letter and headed into the graveyard and took the shortcut to Zora's Domain.

I'd like to say that something interesting happened while Link was at the Zora's Domain, but sadly, everything went according to plan and order prevails…I'm just kidding, IT'S A MADHOUSE!

First Link had to fight off horny D-cup mermaids with a pitchfork, then he rode the Zora up the waterfall, fell off, rode up again, got attacked by more mermaids (this time, C-cup), then he found out Ralis had misplaced the sapphire, swore at him in polish, got thrown out by security guards, pointed out that security guards don't work at Zora's Domain, and then got dragged back in only to be thrown out again. And then he found the sapphire lying in a mud puddle.

"That was easy." thought Link as he turned around and got hit in the face with a paper airplane.

He unfolded it and read it. It said "_Go get a bottle of 69 champaigne from Telma's_."

"What the hell would this person need 69 for?" asked Link.

"_How the hell should I know?_"replied the letter.

Not knowing what else to do, Link took off toward Hyrule Castle Town and went to Telma's.

Upon seeing Link, Telma ran up to give Link a kiss but swallowed him by mistake.

Link cut his way out of the fat lard and grabbed the bottle of 69.

And no sooner had he left the bar when a wadded up ball of paper fell out of the sky and landed in front of him.

Link picked it up and read it.

"_Bring the items to the Mirror Chamber_."

"Sounds easy enough," thought Link, "and I hope I finally get to see who this mystery person is so I can place the flowers at the Mirror for Midna."

The sun was setting by the time Link reached the Mrror Chamber with the beverage and spiritual stones.

But to his surprise, there was no one there, just another letter.

Link set the items down and read the letter: _Place the spritual stones in front of the Mirror and play the __song of time._

Link set the three stones in front of where the mirror once stood and played the song of time, and before his very eyes, the mirror of twilight repaired itself…and out popped Midna. (happy face)

Link couldn't believe it was actually her. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the sand toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

"Oh Midna."

"Oh Link."

"Oh Midna."

"Oh Link."

"Midna."

"Link."

"Midna."

"Link."

"MIDNA!"

"Ugh, men." said MIDNA (sorry for yelling).

Link was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Link planted a light one on Midna's cheek, and she just stared at him for a moment before she lunged forward and locked Link's lips with hers.

In the embrace, Link's foot rose behind him, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

Then they broke the kiss.

"Thank you for the Valentine." said Link, breathlessly.

"Thank you for being my valentine." replied Midna.

Midna then turned toward the portal.

"So, you coming with?"

"Definitely," said Link, "Just one question."

"What's that?" asked Midna.

"What's the 69 for?"

"You'll see." said Midna, with a mischievious grin on her face.

And with that, they headed into the portal (which disappeared a minute later), and they were never heard from again.

HAPPY VALENTINE"S DAY!


End file.
